October 1st, 2008

It’s October first and in case you forgot…Halloween is coming!

So here are some links to Haunted Places…a few jokes, and if you like the clip art click the pictures and you’ll go directly to the sites, more info on other Halloween Clip Art sites at the bottom of this post

Enjoy!

a.m.

Find Real Haunted Houses

In the U.S. HERE

Find Haunted Houses In the U.K

HERE

Haunted Australia

 HERE

Haunted Places In New Zealand

HERE

Okay.

It’s Joke Time.

I got these from the kids in my family…

I happen to love them.

The jokes I mean

Not the kids.

Oh come on, I’m just kidding.

What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
I don’t know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

 

Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?’
Cos everyone was a goblin

Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A blood hound.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body

If you like the clip art, just click the picture and you’ll go to the site where I found them, they’re from all over the Net, so have fun!

But if you’d like to see where I found most of the links go to this PAGE and HERE

The Tacky Ticker

I think this is the funniest story I have ever written.

Well.

I think it is.

enjoy!

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Alstona Kamacho’s clock is an Doomsday clock- that’s what she told everyone at her office. She also told them on the first day she brought it in that if the clock stops the world will end.

So for the past 20 years everyone she works with goes out of their way to make sure  Alstona’s  Tacky Ticker doesn’t wind down. 

At first it was fun to find a way to make it first to avocado green clock with the pink feet and the silver mushroom bells sitting sideways against face so that you could be the one turn the little silver key  and save the entire world

Then it got to be serious.

When Alstona’ s six co-workers heard the little gears slowing down and just before second hand made this pop sound when it skipped past the glow in the dark five they’d already be pushing and shoving, tripping towards Alstona’s desk.

One year Barnell Bloss fractured right arm when he tried- and failed to clear Fales Digby’s desk to get to Alstona’ s Armageddon clock.

Of course he didn’t clear Fales’ desk because Fales was sitting at it and when Barnell raced by it was more the Fales could stand.

He’d reached up and slammed Barnell down and Fales had been the one to save the world that day.

In any other office on the face of the Earth that stunt would probably have ended in some sort of legal action.

But Lonsdale and Mead’s wasn’t  like anyplace on the face of the Earth- there wasn’t anyplace else on the face of the Earth that had an Armageddon clock sitting on an employee’s desk.

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Delia Wing was a Courier from All City Express, she had won the Lonsdale and Mead stop in a lunch time card game at All City.

 But that was nothing new- drivers at All City had been known to pay each other cold hard cash just for one trip because everyone in the city of Mayweed knew the L & M staff were a bunch of whack jobs.

What can you say? Nothing broke up the day like getting the chance to see a bunch of desk jockeys beat the snot out of each other to get to this cheap and nasty windup clock first. 

As you’ve probably guessed by now Mayweed was short on entertainment venues.

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Delia’ first trip into L & M was on a Friday and there they were- all seven of them sitting at their desks, working on the phones and doing data entry and the entire time they all had at least one eye on the Receptionist’s Desk.

At least that one eye looked alive and alert because the faces they were housed in were pale and all of the worker’s hands were twitching and shaking.

Delia decided right then and there she didn’t want to go back to L & M- all of those people looked like they already had one foot in the grave and she was afraid whatever they had might be something you could catch.

But first Delia had a job to do.

She went over to the receptionist’s desk where the clock was sitting and cleared her throat, ” Package for you. “

Alstona looked up and reached for small box a in Delia’s hand.

” So that’s the clock. ” Delia said.

” That’s the clock. “

” So, if you’re sitting there how come they….” Delia pointed to the rows of desks behind Alstona ” race to wind it up?  Why don’t you do it yourself?”

Someone said from the back of the office, ” because she doesn’t care anymore…she wants the world to end.”

From a little closer to where Delia and Alstona were another voice said, ” she’s nuts “

And everyone agreed.

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Delia never actually saw the L & M people racing to the clock but on some days she thought they looked more nervous and pale then on other days and she figured that must have been at about the time the clock was probably starting to wind down.

Then one day, even though she had nothing to drop off and no one had called in a pickup Delia went into the Office.

” Nothing to pick up? ” she asked Alstona.

” No. ” the Receptionist said.

Delia didn’t want to leave and she didn’t want to be there but for several nights Delia would wake up to the sound of ticking and she’d have to bite down hard on her lip to keep from screaming out loud.

So she decided to get this over with.

” It’s a joke…right? ” Delia asked.

” It certainly is ” a woman who sat directly behind Alstona said. She had heavy dark circles under her eyes and her blouse was inside out. ” It’s the funniest joke anyone could have ever come up with and I’m sick to death of it.”

Then a man said, ” I say we let it go…we just let go.”

Alstona turned around and she said, ” didn’t I say it would come to this?”

The six staffers nodded and Alstona looked up at Delia and nodded, ” it’s a joke and I’m going to end it. “

Then Alstona reached over picked up the clock and smashed it against her desk over and over until her hands were cut and bleeding and the clock was mashed flat.

” It’s over, right? ” Delia asked. ” The joke is over. “

Alstona said quiet as a Cemetery at Midnight, ” it certainly is.”

Outside a dark cloud crossed in front of the Sun then the ground shook just a little…

And that was

The End

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Halloween Fun At Anita’s Bridge

On Halloween Night we used to love to do things like test drive Mortality.

Here’s how we did it:

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Bloody Mary

You know that legend about Bloody Mary? You’re supposed to stand in front of a mirror, in the dark ( well, use some candles I mean- duh- if you can’t see what’s going on you’re out of luck ) and chant the name ” Bloody Mary ” three times- then she comes out of the mirror and kills you.

I’m not sure how she does it- though I’m guessing sharp objects are involved.

I think the idea is to get somebody you don’t like to do this- but I could be wrong.

We tried it- doesn’t work

but it was fun.

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The Girl At The Side Of the Road

Every Halloween some Dead Prom Queen is supposed to be on some road waiting for somebody to give her a ride home

 From what I understand this story involves a girl who dies in a car accident on her way home from the Prom and somebody will pick her up and drive her home and when they get there they turn to the back seat and she’s gone and her parents come out to tell you her sad story.

We went looking for her too- but we decided if we found her we’d make her go ” Shoulder Tapping ” with us.

Shoulder tapping is what we called it back in the 70’s when you’d hang around in front of the 7-11 and try to get people to buy beer for you- which shows you how smart we were- we always did it in our neighborhood so we were always sober by the end of the night.

And we didn’t see a ghost either.

Darn.

 

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Thirteen Steps To Hell

We have at least two cemeteries here in Washington with stories about how in one crypt or in one grave there are Thirteen Steps Leading to Hell. The Doorway to the steps is guarded by a Witch who will give you the Second Sight if you sell your Soul to the Devil who is waiting for you at the bottom of the 13 Steps to finalize the deal.

To bad the Sight doesn’t kick in before you get to the Bottom of The 13 Steps.

 Then You’d see clear as day that the Devil takes you to Hell and if your plan was to rule the world with your Powers-  you are so going to be disappointed- toasty- but very disappointed.

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Message From The Beyond

Everyone goofs off with a Ouji Board on Halloween.

Everyone knows those things are demonic.

Everyone doesn’t get together three or so  friends, agree on a phone number

as the ‘message’

let their inncoent bystander ( and former ) friends call it

only to let them learn they’re dialing

the intake desk at a local Mental Hospital.

Hey, it’s funny-and like I said you shouldn’t mess with those things…

and on Halloween of all Nights.

Dingbats.

 

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To end this  let me remind you: 

Life is short-

Enjoy Halloween and all the

rest of the year too

amm

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How Sweet It Is

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I have so many wonderful Halloween Memories…

this is one of them

and it concerns:

Lizzie Borden

Today I read about a Lizzie Borden Halloween Prop that costs THOUSANDS of dollars.

Robot Lizzie swings an Ax up and down.

Sure, whatever.

When I was a kid this family had a Haunted House set up in their basement and the Dad used to dress up like Lizzie and chase people around with an ax and he’d be screaming ” Forty Whacks! Forty Whacks for you all!”

And the entire time he- well, she is doing that, we’d be screaming for Jesus and our Moms and diving under furniture and swinging our plastic pumpkins like around medieval war weapons and trying to climb out the windows.

I wouldn’t trade that memory for anything-

not even for THOUSANDS of dollars.

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amm

RSVP

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Valaria Aberdeen’s house stands alone on Brier Road and it stands alone because no one will go near it.

There were other houses up there too, but they’re gone now and all that’s left of them are their foundations. In some lots you might window frames and screens stacked in sloppy piles and here and there are wooden chairs and mailboxes.

And then there’s Valaria’s House.

There is no furniture in Valaria ‘s House but there is a mirror at the end of a hall where the doors rusted off of their hinges years and years ago.

The mirrors face is so clear that you might think you were looking out of an open window, in fact if your were standing in front of it right now I’ll bet you’d even put your hand out and touch the glass just to make sure that it wasn’t an open window.

The funny thing is-that’s exactly what the mirror is.

That’s what I’ve heard anyway.

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Every Halloween the Aberdeen Family hosted a Halloween Party.

Everyone wore costumes, everyone bobbed for apples, everyone somehow ended up in the attic to tell ghost stories and then everyone would stumble down Brier Road to their houses by moonlight leaving a trail of candy wrappers behind them.

Valaria Aberdeen loved to host her parties and at the last one she wasn’t her usual energetic self. She didn’t even dress up in one of her elaborate rental costumes-she wasn’t a lady pirate or a lady vampire or a sorceress or a belly dancer.

That year, she wore a black dress and a set of acrylic ‘fangs’ on her teeth and painted her nails black. She had smeared pale blue makeup on her face and penciled dark circles under her eyes.

She just shrugged when Mitchell asked about her costume and said to her husband who was dressed as a mummy  ” I’m just not really into it this year, so I guess I’m just going to be a boring witch” then she slammed her felt witch’s hat onto her head with the little ghosts sewn around the brim and then she stomped down the hallway to the kitchen.

Mitchell tried to cheer Valaria up; he helped her finish the decorating and he told her little jokes and reminded her of the fun from their past parties and then the door bell rang. 

As the guests started to arrive Valaria seemed to blend into the background and she would hardly talk to anyone. It wasn’t easy to avoid over 50 people in a room but Valaria found a way to do it and that’s exactly what she did for hours.

Sometime during the evening  Mitchell looked up and saw Valaria fussing at the table with the food and punch. She looked up and saw him and waved and then she went out to the kitchen.

At about Midnight she came bouncing out of the kitchen with a little wicker basket full of cookies shaped like pumpkins and cats and she was handing them out and laughing…not that thin laugh she had been using all evening but a heart felt laugh and when she saw him she held her basket up and said,” guess what Mitchell I’m into it after all…I’m feeling like my old self again”

” That’s great dear! ” he called out to her over his cup of hot cider.

Valaria winked at him and kept handing out her cookies.She joined him a few minutes later and he put his hand out and asked for one of her cookies.

Valaria looked stunned and hurt. ” Why would I give you one of those Mitchell? “

Mitchell said to her, ” Because you love me…”

Valaria rolled her eyes so far up all he could see were the whites of her eyes. God, he really hated it when she did that. ” It’s because I love you that you don’t get one Mitchell.”

From over Valaria ‘s left shoulder Mitchell could see Missy Jenson from next door start to do a weird little dance and then she started to spin around and around and as she did he could that she was crying and that her tears were red.

In a few seconds everyone in the room were  ‘dancing’ and they were shrieking and tearing at their throats. ” What have you done Valaria? ” Mitchell screamed, ” What in God’s name have you done?”

Mitchell watched his wife dance around the room and as she swung her empty basket from side to side he could hear her say,  ” Guess what I am? Guess what I am? Guess what I am?”

He chased her down the hall and when he caught up to her she was looking into the mirror her Grandmother had given them as a wedding present.

It was a large ceiling to floor mirror encased in a heavy silver frame and until that moment Mitchell never wondered  how  they had ever gotten that thing through their door.

Valaria was wiping  her face and when she turned around he could see she had taken off most of the thick blue makeup and the black eyeliner pencil from around her eyes.

Now her face  was dark, dark red and her lips were  black and then she pulled the hat off of her head with a flourish and he saw…

he saw Valaria Aberdeen.

Her pointed forked tongue snaked out from between her lips and she was feathering the hair away from the horns that she now had on her forehead.

” I told you I was feeling like my old self again.  Happy Halloween Mitchell” she said with a wink and then she turned and stepped into the mirror.

After that night people started to  move away from Brier Road.

Within days  the houses the next block over were abandoned and then the houses on the block over from that were abandoned  next and after awhile no one lived in that little town at all.

But if you’re feeling brave you can actually go up to Valaria Aberdeen’s House and you can walk in and go down the hall and look into that mirror…and if you stare into it and say, ” I know what you are Valaria Aberdeen…” three times…

She’ll give you a cookie 

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Blitzing Reality

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We live on a very dangerous road.

It’s not dangerous because it’s poorly designed- it’s dangerous because it’s a short cut to the Mall and nothing is more dangerous then the ground between a Major Shopping Mall and a consumer.

So if someone isn’t jumping the curb with their monster sized SUV they’re almost hitting a kid or more likely running over someone’s cat or dog.

Like my pets for instance.

At the beginning of Summer I was outside getting my mail when my cat Blitzer sees me from across the street. He meows and bolts and just as before he gets to the middle of the street this car comes up the road and I’ll be darned.

He’s not speeding.

He has plenty of time to stop I think.

Wrong.

 I hear the engine rev up and this guy drives straight towards my cat.

Then when the driver sees me he slams on his breaks and pulls up to the curb and he looks embarrassed as he calls out the window, “Hey is that cat okay?”

I’m standing there thinking- what can I say?

Better luck next time?

And then I remember, I write stories at Owl Creek Bridge.I write about Devils and Demons, Witches and Curses and Psychos. I write about people who hide bodies in trunks with Christmas tree ornaments. I don’t know where the ideas come from I just know the inspiration for them can hit at the funniest times- and I’ve taught myself that when they do to pay attention.

“What?” I ask.

“That cat….the black one that ran in front of my car. Is it okay?”

I back up from the car and look over my shoulder at my house. “Cat?”

He points up towards my Cherry tree and says. “That cat. Is it okay?”

I look under my Cherry tree and Blitzer is sitting there with his tail sort of swishing from left to right and he’s got these bright yellow eyes that (thank you Jesus!) are glowing like crazy because of the way the sunlight is hitting them.

Then I back up and hit my mailbox and without turning away from the guy in the car start yelling for my Husband who isn’t at home, “Luis! Can you come here for a minute? “

“Lady that cat! The one sitting under the tree right behind you!”

I turn around and look at Blitzer who is licking his chops because its dinner time and I look back at the guy in the car and say, “Look, just go okay? This isn’t funny.”

This guy looks from me to Blitzer and then he reaches down and tries to start his car which was already running and then he drives away but before he reaches the end of the street I see him stop, he pulls over and he sits there for awhile before he drives off again.

 ” Wow, that was fun.”

I turn around and Blitzer has a bird wing in his mouth.I guess he had it stashed under the tree, or maybe he had it the entire time.

I’m still not sure about that. 

See, Blitzer is always dragging around parts of animals or chasing something through the bushes. He also has these nightmares and starts doing that weird cat scream when he’s all curled up at the foot of my bed.

Blitzer is sort of bonkers. My husband thinks we should see if they make anti-psychotic meds for cats. 

People.

Blitzer walks up to me and drops the wing at my feet and starts to purr.

The Little Devil.

I don’t know where he gets it from.

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amm

Lorne Perth Makes A Deal

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Linder Pace looked up at his friend and said, ” I have to say Lorne, you beat me but good on this one.”

Lorne shrugged from the other side of the dark heavy desk in his office and said, ” Why thank you Linder. Funny thing is back in the old days I’d have sold my Soul to the Devil just to hear you say those words.”

Linder didn’t doubt that.

Lorne Perth hated Linder- not disliked, not despised, but hated Linder Pace more then he valued his own life.

His own Soul even.

In the 50 years he had known Lorne, Linder had stolen Lorne’s wife Sadie, and when he grew tired of Sadie he divorced her and then married Lorne’s favorite daughter Bedelia. Now Linder and Lorne’s daughter were living in the house that Lorne’s Mother had been born in.

The same house his ex-wife hung herself in when she found out who the next Mrs. Linder Pace was going to be.

Linder signed the deed to Lorne’s family home and shrugged, ” well, bets a bet. It’s all yours. Again. When will you be moving back in? ”

Lorne took the deed and the heavy silver pen from Lorne and then set both things to his left. ” I’m not, I’m having demolished on Sunday.”

” Sunday, how’d you managed that? ”

Lorne shrugged picked up the pen and twirled it around his fingers.

” Come one now, Dad” Linder chuckled ” go on tell me. When did you learn to shoot pool like that? Hell Lorne, I didn’t even know you could play.”

” Can’t, but you do and I know you can’t walk away from a game Linder. You never could.”

” Yeah huh, but you didn’t answer my question Lorne, you shot pool like a demon and you didn’t just win. You whipped me. So what’d you do Lorne…sell your Soul to the Devil to win?”

” Oh- I’ll be honest with you…”

” Of course. ” Linder said under his breath. 

 “I tried to do that when you took Sadie from me. Old Scratch though, wouldn’t have touched my Soul for all the Souls in the world.”

” And why is that Lorne? ” Linder said as he worked his jaw from left to right.”

” She told me it wasn’t like the books or plays…she’s only interested in truly corrupt Souls and mine- well, Linder she almost struck me dead for wasting her time.”

Linder figured Lorne was drunk…only Lorne didn’t drink, and he didn’t smoke. Maybe, Linder thought the idea he was about to make Lorne a Grandfather pushed the guy over the edge.

Maybe Lorne was doing a lot of things now that he would never have considered doing before Linder thought to himself.

” So anyway I thought and thought -what horrible thing could I offer Old Scratch in exchange for one good game of Pool. It had to be something so dark, something so corrupt she’d be able to shut down shop for a week or two and take that Cruise to Alaska she’s always wanted to go on.”

Lorne sat back and picked the deed up from the table and fanned himself with it. ” How’s Bedelia ” Lorne asked about his daughter with a smile.

” You did not.”

Lorne dropped the deed and banged his head on the edge of the table as he reached down to the ground to pick it up. ” You would think something like that Linder.”

” So what’d you do Lorne, what did you give Old Scratch for one good game of Pool.”

Lorne shrugged, held the piece of paper up with Linder’s signature on it in dark black ink and said, ” Guess.”

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Remember That Time We Thought We Were Dead?

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When I was 18 ” Twilight Zone- The Movie” came out.

Can’t say I LOVED it but Dan Aykroyd ( he had the part as the ambulence driver ) was a favorite actor of mine so I enjoyed it- but what I really liked was the last line he had in the movie- which you can see here…in a minute.

This little snapshot of my life takes place a couple of weeks after I saw the movie.

My friend and I were stopped at a red light in his car when a drunk driver rear ended our car and my friend and I both ended up in the same ambulance together.

It was not a good scene…there was blood there was fear and both of us thought the woman in the car that hit us was dead because we never saw them take her out of her car.

We never saw another ambulence show up and we never heard anyone call for one.

And I felt like I was drowning on dry land.

The Paramedics told me I was having trouble breathing  because my ribs were probably cracked 

My friend is scared out of his mind  and going through his own Hell because for some reason he couldn’t see out of his right eye (to this day he still can’t see out of that eye and they never found out why).

And if this wasn’t enough my ears are ringing so bad I’m about ready to have a serious hissy fit when the ambulance driver turns around to reassure me it’s going to be okay…. and he looks just like Dan Aykroyd.

Swear to God…

Here’s the part where you have to watch the clip to the end and you’ll hear what I said and you’ll see what I saw and you can go ahead and laugh.

My One-Eyed Friend and I do…

but there’s an Ambulance driver out there somewhere who probably talks about that time this kid turned to him with blood running from her ears and said…” Hey Man…-“

go ahead, hit the arrow and find out.

 

And Today’s Special Is

by Anita Marie Moscoso

based on the Soul Food Cafe Writing Prompt:

Lunch Box Spy

I used this exercise to work on a character sketch for a Werewolf Story I’m working on. I love any activity that focuses on dialog and this exercise can be used in to do exactly that. Of course you could follow the directions or you could play with it like I did.
So here’s my Lunch Box Interview with Al Dente
Werewolf.
 

Over the lips
passed the tongue
watch out stomach
here it comes.


-Lunch Time Prayer uttered by Students all over the world

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Tell me about your lunches.
“They talk too much. ‘ Don’t eat me…eeekkk, help’ Stuff like that. Same old same old day after day. Its not exactly stimulating conversation.”

What can you tell me about the lunches you eat?
” After awhile they all taste like chicken.”

What do you remember about your school lunches?
” Oh, the good old days. Back then I use to love the hunt. Chase ’em down and chow them down. Now the arthritis is setting in. Plus, there’s nothing sadder then a Werewolf with bad eyes trying to catch its lunch. Especially when you trip and your lunch laughs…”

Were there any family jokes about what you liked to eat?

“I went through the alphabet…like all my lunch’s names had to start with the letter ” A”. After awhile my family started to call me Alphabetti Humanetti. Anyway, the villagers got wise to me and started to number their kids instead of naming them. I almost starved to death”

Who made your lunch?
“Uh…are you kidding? What did you skip biology class? Like you really don’t you know where babies come from?”

Were you ever able to buy a lunch?
“This Ogre named Calvin use to sell lunches. He was a nice guy. But the lunches were caged and they tasted funny. Real gamy. They must’ve been bottom feeders.”

What did they stock in the school canteen?

“Most of the time it was Damsels in Distress and Dragon Slaying Knights. By the end of the week they’d stew whatever was left over. It was BORING.”

Did you ever slip across the street with your mates to the fish and chip shop?
“Yes, of course we did! And after we ate the cooks and patrons we use to dump the fish back into the Bay.”

Did any one in your class have a better lunch than you? What did they have? Were you ever able to swap with them?
“I use to swap Werewolf Hunters for Vampire Hunters with my friend Carl. The Vampire Hunters were my favorite cause they’d try this Kung Fu fighting stuff on me.It was so funny. Sort of like dinner theatre. But the best part were these bow and arrow things some of them carried around. I’d use the arrows for a little something I invented called Hunter Kabobs.
Hunters on a Stick. Gosh I loved those…especially with catsup.

Where did you eat your lunch? Who ate their lunch with you? Did you eat alone?
“Werewolves are social animals you know and we don’t like to eat alone. So I ate my friends and family. Oh no wait…I mean I eat WITH my friends and family”

What do you have for lunch now? Do you still own a lunchbox? Do you make your lunch or buy it?
“I skip lunch now and I eat healthier then I use to. I’ve gone back to my old ways and the Village I live in now has very clean living livestock. And yes I do have a lunchbox. It’s that big box behind you with the little gold handles. Very good, it’s a coffin. Thank you for noticing.”

Who makes the best lunches
?

“Those Villagers down the road…. they’re really into physical fitness and they really work on things like running. Wow and let me tell you they can do that darn fast.I mean, no matter how big or small young or old you should see those little legs work!”

Do you eat the same thing every day?
“Of course I do…nature of the beast you know.”

Is there a lunch that still haunts you?
“They all do my friend…they all do.”

What is the worst lunch you have ever eaten?
 

“Bob.”

What is your favorite place to buy lunch?

 

“Noses and Toeses On The Pier”

Would you buy from a school canteen?

 

“Sure I would, especially if they serve Students on Rye.”

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THE PROBLEM IS THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY STUPID PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND NO ONE TO EAT THEM-

CARLOS MENCIA